Fatberg

Mar. 8th, 2019 08:18 am
babydramatic_1950: (Default)
 

I worked in publishing throughout my prime middle age (in the 1980s and 1990s).  When I would meet someone and tell them I worked in publishing they would assume that I was wining and dining authors on a company credit card, or perhaps later holding some of these authors’ hands as I shepherded them through the publishing process. That I would be knee deep in manuscripts by people like Toni Morrison or Philip Roth–or Doris Kearns Goodwin. Or that I was some kind of subject expert who knew other subject experts who wanted to write books (in psychology or economics). That I would always be on the cutting edge of a topic that interested the punditocracy and could hold forth at a cocktail party.  That I might even one day become part of the punditocracy myself.

But no. I worked in Production, I told them.  For people who don’t know much about the publishing business (as it was in the days of print, in any event) it is not all about the authors and the specialty editors. Most of the work that gets done could be going on anywhere else. Most people who work in publishing are not particularly interested in reading or in books (the people in Fulfillment, for example, who spend their days keeping track of names and addresses and generating labels). A publishing company has to run efficiently and most of that falls on the shoulders of Production. A production department at a publisher is the white collar equivalent of a factory (and not all that white collar: when I started out the acquiring editors and marketing managers – who dealt with the public – wore suits; people in Production wore jeans). Or it’s like the infrastructure of one’s bathroom.  Material flows through a pipeline.  “Where in the pipeline are the manuscripts for Volume X Issue Y?” I would be asked.

Like other pipelines, production pipelines could get clogged. The people most likely to clog the production pipeline were perfectionists.  Often these were people who had gone to elite colleges and thought that they were real editors who needed to polish and perfect everything for the third and fourth time even after the company had paid someone to do it the first time. Manuscripts could disappear into the black hole of a perfectionist’s work area for weeks.

          The archetype of this was “Slow Richard”*. Richard was not “slow” in the euphemistic meaning of the word: unintelligent.  He was very intelligent and had gone to an elite college.  When I say he was slow what I mean was he belabored everything. Every word, every punctuation mark.  No matter how many eyes had gone before, Richard couldn’t skip anything. There was one year when, by October (the do or die month for material that had to be published in the calendar year), an enormous “fatberg” of manuscripts, over a foot high, was piled up in Richard’s in-box.

          Anyone who had worked in the department for a while knew that the problem with Richard wasn’t Richard, it was Dorothy, the woman who had trained Richard (most of the rest of us had been trained by our current boss).  Dorothy was much older than most of us and had been a real research biologist.  Why she finally changed fields after 20 years is a mystery, but apparently she got a job in publishing after having written a book (about the research she was doing). She knew a lot of the authors and journal editors we worked with and talked shop with them, so as a “perk” our boss let her go to various society meetings during the year.  Often these were in Europe.  Dorothy humblebragged endlessly about how onerous it was to have to go to, say, Leipzig, and make a speech, for which she also had to buy a new dress because the society members had all seen the one she wore last year – in Paris.  Of course we were all envious, but we also secretly laughed because Dorothy was the only person who didn’t realize that (when she was in the office, at least) what she had was simply a glorified clerical job.  Handling the actual meat of these publications was the purview of the subject editor’s office, not the production department. Nonetheless Dorothy read every word of every copyedited manuscript that crossed her desk and taught Richard to do the same thing. The problem was that Dorothy understood what the articles were about, so she could read them as quickly as most people could read a newspaper.  Richard did not, so it was heavy slogging. (Which is why the rest of us never did more than scan our manuscripts, assuming that the journal’s Editor-in-Chief, the peer reviewers, and the copy editor had done enough.)

Richard was no longer working for Dorothy at the time I am referring to (and for what it’s worth she couldn’t keep an assistant for very long; there had been four since Richard and that covered a period of only 5 years.) But even though Richard was no longer working for Dorothy, he had been permanently scared by her into thinking that if he didn’t read every word of every manuscript at every stage of the production process, someone might die if one of the drugs mentioned in the article was given at the wrong dose (due to a typo) or someone’s research grant might be scrapped if an obscure scientific term was misspelled. Of course these things would be a tragedy, but most of us comforted ourselves knowing that somewhere in the “Instructions to Authors” that appeared in the back of every journal issue there was a statement saying “errors are the responsibility of the author.”

          And anyhow, to everyone else in the department, errors great and small paled in comparison to the bottom line; i.e., making sure that the company could book the revenue for all those December issues that had to mail out of the warehouse before December 20. A frequent saying around the office was “Don’t look too hard for mistakes. The journal has to be published in December; if there’s a mistake you can publish an erratum in January.”

          The year that the fatberg of manuscripts was discovered in Richard’s in-box was the last year that working in that office was “fun”. Along with the final issues of at least three of his journals that were not going to make it (an “all hands on deck” approach dealt with most of the fatberg but not all of it), we also discovered some other, equally serious, problems: another production editor had lost an entire issue of manuscripts and had not told anyone, and someone else was on the verge of publishing an article that had been published before (the issue was intercepted after it was printed and had to be recreated from scratch at huge expense) because he had no filing system.

          So everyone in the department, from top to bottom, ended up on the hot seat with the Vice President. As is so often the way, the casual relaxed atmosphere that allowed competent (albeit lazy) people like myself and some others to thrive (ah, those two hour lunches spent shopping at Lord & Taylor!) also prevented people with poor organizational skills from acquiring any. So going forward, there was a strict check-in system up and down the chain of management and people’s tiniest movements were now closely supervised.

          About a year later our company merged with another company and our fun-loving boss (who by that point had been seriously chastened) was gone.  And the following year I left.  

 

[*All names have been changed.]

 

Vigilance

Mar. 4th, 2019 05:43 pm
babydramatic_1950: (Default)
 

A Wednesday in June 1983

6:00 a.m.

I bolt out of bed ravenous. I hop on the scale. 139 (I am five foot six inches tall).  It is now almost 8 years since my last drink and 12 months since my last cigarette.  I am 33 years old. Despite religiously following a “meal plan” that I found in the back of one of Jane Brody’s cookbooks, I weigh 14 pounds more than I did when I smoked, although still 16 pounds less than I did in high school. If nothing else, I should be happy that even at this weight, I am now thinner than at least half of my peers (because they got a lot fatter not because I got a lot thinner), many of whom have had children, many of whom never battled weight as a child and are now mystified by how the pounds have piled on, many of whom like being larger and feeling like a “force to be reckoned with” (fat is a feminist issue?) But things feel out of control. I yearn for that lung-deep, dark sucking in of nicotine and tar, that hunger-killer. Since I quit smoking, even after a year, I am ravenous every minute.

Tearing my way to the kitchen (which is also the living/dining room in my East Village flat) I find a box of cold cereal, pour it into a measuring cup (can’t have more than a half cup), then into a bowl, add low fat milk, grab a spoon, and scarf the mixture down in 30 seconds.  I welcome the warm grounded feeling of having something in my stomach. This will keep me sane, focused, and on task (whatever that task is) for a few hours at least. Then I boil water for tea.  No coffee, because I can’t drink it black.  No fruit; I have to save that for my mid-morning snack.

The night before I had promised myself that I would wake up and take a jog, but one needs to do that on an empty stomach and there is no way I could have done even so much as wash my face let alone dress in such a state of hunger, not to mention that I would most likely have been unable to turn my key the right way in the lock on the way out, because hunger often causes me to lose muscle memory. (When I’ve been that hungry I’ve lost ATM cards, broken typewriter ribbons, become disoriented and confused in familiar spaces, screamed for help because I thought I was locked out of my apartment.  Once, thinking I could do an errand at noon before eating, I lost a package I was supposed to take to FedEx.) And I hate running.  As a child I was teased because I couldn’t run.  It made my chest burn and the backs of my knees ache.  Later, maybe when I was in my 40s, I learned that this was because I had both scoliosis and asthma.  I can walk faster than I can run.  So I will walk to work (distance being about a mile and a half). Payday is not until Friday and I only have $5 left anyhow.

After breakfast I pull on jeans and a T shirt and take my beagle Paulie out for a walk. When I come back I put food for him in a dish on the floor and food for my Siamese cat Blito in a dish on the dining table (too high for Paulie to reach).  I don’t  worry that I have tormented Paulie with the wait; he won’t be that desperate because, since I live in dangerous “Alphabet City”, and never am outside past 9 pm unless I am brought home from somewhere in a taxi who waits until my key is in the lock, he has done his night-time “business” on some old newspapers.

****************************************************************************************************

11:00 a.m.

I am at my desk in the Flatiron Building, at my job as a Production Editor. I have been hungry since 10.  I had a half a banana, but that has done nothing. I know now that no work will get done until I can have lunch, the earliest “allowable” time being noon. Trying to proof an article, I see that I have read the same sentence over and over.  My mind spins toward memories of all the miseries of having been fat – well, not really fat, just too fat to pass muster as an upper middle class child in the 1950s. All the dresses that “spanned” on me, the jiggly bits on my thighs five years before anyone else had them, children making ugly jokes. Mind chatter kills hunger but doesn’t expedite the work on my desk. Well, when I pick it up at 1 pm I will do it fast. 

AA and OA say “pick up the phone before you pick up the…” Great! So I will call my sponsor, or one of my friends who works at home, or one of my friends who is as bored in her office as I am in mine. We can commiserate about how hard life is without booze, cigarettes, enough food to make us feel full. I will stare at the proofs in case anyone comes by. I always finish my work on time. I have never had to be reprimanded.

****************************************************************************************************

12:30 p.m.

It has taken me less than 60 seconds to dispatch my made-at-home tofu and brown rice with steamed veggies, sitting on a bench in Madison Square Park.  The weather is lovely. If I can’t eat enough to satisfy me for more than an hour or two after a meal, and my work is dull, I can fill myself up with other things. I watch the squirrels in the park.  They make me smile. I think of my beautiful Paulie and wonder what he is doing. Then I walk over to Teddy Roosevelt’s Birthplace near Gramercy Park. It is a historic brownstone that looks like the homes that all the (mostly thin) old money girls I went to elementary school with lived in in Brooklyn Heights. The furniture and the old photographs recreate the era when the young Teddy was growing up. Children were kept apart from their parents.  Not allowed in nice parts of the house. I see that Teddy was sickly as a child and grew to love the great outdoors.  He took on physical challenges because he knew he could, even if they didn’t come naturally: an object lesson that I will remember.

 

****************************************************************************************************

6:00 p.m.

I am sitting in my 12 step meeting, in a room with about 25 other women. Most have been sober for several years, at least half have stopped smoking, and about three quarters of the women who have stopped smoking have gained a minimum of 30 pounds.  This puts things in perspective.  Because I have always been vigilant, sacrificing several hours a day of productive work and sane thinking to hunger, I have only gained 14. In the sharings, alcohol is rarely mentioned.  The primary topic seems to be food.  Food slips, binges, eating “forbidden” food.  The nightly pint of ice cream is a recurring character as is the whole pizza eaten alone.  I can pride myself on not having done any of those things since I was 18, before I started taking diet pills and then drinking. For me, binge eating was a gateway into substance abuse.  For a lot of these other women, it seems to be a gateway out.  When I “cheat” (at least once a week if not twice) this entails only minor infractions: having creamy dressing on my salad or butter on my broccoli. 

At the moment I am not hungry because before I left the office, I drank a packet of instant Miso soup dissolved in boiling water, my one allowed between-meal snack of any substance.

My self-pride teeters a bit when I see Bonnie (not her real name).  She is a “type” that I have envied since childhood.  She comes from a very wealthy family but has no contact with them. But her “breeding” tells.  She has a “straight” body build (no saddle bags, no large breasts, no crooked knees) and perfect cheekbones. Like many of the other women, she is sporting a crew cut but she is the only one on whom it is flattering. Bonnie never talks about food. She rails against patriarchy, capitalism, men (whom she calls “non-women”), her father, his new wife, and her boss.  She is a fierce warrior. She and I have often bonded around how little money we make doing low-level editorial work.  She inherited good bones, but gets no money from her family. It is hard to tell if her family rejected her for being gay or if she rejected them for being bourgeois. In any event, she has the confidence that only freedom from being parented can bring a woman in early adulthood. But there is a tripwire here.  She still smokes. She has not yet said goodbye forever to the seductive hunger-killer.  Is dropping the fourteen pounds I gained worth dying for, I ask myself? No.  I remember hearing about a woman my age who died of lung cancer from smoking.  That is why I quit.

****************************************************************************************************
10:00 p.m.

I snuggle under the covers in my East Village flat.  No matter how fat I think I am, because I am considerably below my genetically preprogrammed “set point,” I am always cold (it is 62 degrees out but I am under two blankets) – although tonight I am not hungry.  I ate some poached fish and greens at 8 pm. I wrap my arms around Paulie.  Blito lies on my back.  I do have a human loved one but we don’t live together.  This is one of my nights on my own, which I enjoy. I fall asleep thinking of Jane Eyre living on starvation rations at Lowood School, yet nonetheless staying alert enough to learn and eventually become a teacher, and about the thin, rich girls I went to school with whose proto-Victorian parents often punished them by sending them to bed without supper. I have had a happy day but a hard one. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

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Rebecca MacLean

March 2019

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